Today’s article is about my theories on how a relationship should be run. There’s going to be usage the “S” word. Not the one you may be thinking about. Instead, today’s word is “submit“. Women (in particular, black women) get up in arms at the mention of the term “submission”. What they don’t realize is that submit doesn’t mean what one might think it does. The reason for this misinterpretation is that most men don’t understand that submission works both ways.
Let’s take a few moments to explore this.
This next statement is going to bring me nothing but trouble, but I’ll say it anyway… Women have a tendency to act too independently. Now before you close your browser and write me off as a chauvinist, hear me out. Because it doesn’t stop there, because men act too independently, as well.
We are not by nature independent creatures. Rather, the genders are complimentary. This is not to say a person NEEDS a mate, but rather that we were designed to operate most efficiently in tandem. And to operate in tandem, mutual submission is necessary.
Losing an independent mindset doesn’t mean losing your independence. It means allowing yourself to enter into a mutually beneficial and symbiotic relationship with someone who brings something to the table. More on this later, but first let’s move past the how and discuss who.
who?
The biggest problem isn’t the submitting, it’s who people choose to submit to. Allow me to break it down with one of my sweet metaphors:
We all agree that the president isn’t doing that great a job, it doesn’t mean that we abolish the office of presidency and throw the government into disarray. Instead, we take the person out of the office and elect someone who will run your country the way you want it run.
Men and women have a problem submitting because historically, we have chosen to submit to the wrong kind of person. Both sides were burned and are now wary of any degree of submission.
This solution here is simply put, but more difficult to execute. The problem can be solved by finding someone worth submitting to. Find a man that can be the head of a household. Find a woman to whom you can be co-pilot. Take the time to learn what submission really means.
what?
Understand that “submit” doesn’t mean what you think it does. It doesn’t mean that you’re to become an indentured servant. A good relationship is like a 3 branched government. But there are only two people, right? That’s right, it’s metaphor time:
The man is the executive branch: his job, like the military/police is to enforce and execute the law. He’s the president.
The woman is like the judicial branch: her job is to interpret the law and make sound judgments. Her advice and wisdom is the basis for all actions of the executive branch. She is the Supreme Court.
Both man and woman form the legislative branch: together they make laws and decisions for the relationship. They set budgets and allocate funds together. Together, they are the senate.
checks and balance
Just like in our government, the presidency doesn’t hold all the power. There is a system of checks and balances. But just like I said earlier… just because you don’t like the president doesn’t mean you overthrow the government. Rather, you impeach the bastard and elect someone you’re comfortable putting in the driver’s seat. The same goes for the Supreme Court. Together, as the senate, you can make the laws that the the courts have to abide by and hold veto power over the presidency.
Remember, that relationships are partnerships that require mutual submission. An imbalance of power in a relationship will create unhappiness in both parties. If the president or courts have too much power, they make hell for the senate. See how that works?
Keep in mind that these are my theories. Now it’s time to share your thoughts on the subject matter by leaving a comment below.
Edit: This article was edited on 11/18/06 at 12:48pm. After my discussion below, I decided to change the wording of a few minor things to better reflect what I wanted to say. Thanks to ZillyGuh for pointing out these issues.
Women don’t like the term because of the archaic stigma that comes along with it. Everyone is not as educated as you are and people merely use the stereotypes placed in society to find a “meaning” for “submission”.
Re: Independency
Tweezy, who gave you the go ahead to write such bull? Who gave you the impression that women are thinking too independently? It seemed to me that you only threw that comment about men being too independent to mask that pungent remark about women THINKING too independently. I mean, where is the limit on independent thinking? Is there some line people don’t know about and multitudes of women just up and cross it? Come on guy, you’ve got to give sound reasoning for such a statement!
I feel you on the idea that people, in general, need to find worthy mates to attempt a partnership with. Much more thought and effort should go into the selection of one who you’ll “give and take” with.
The metaphor is priceless babe…..priceless!
First up, thanks for reading the article and responding.
These are my beliefs… men and women have shortcomings hardwired into the way that we think. It is no coincidence that the strengths and weaknesses of the gender compliment each other. Call it divine providence, call it evolutionary adaptation, whatever. We’re designed to work as a team, men and women.
That’s not to say that, through hard work and perseverance, one can’t do it on one’s own. It’s very possible and it happens everyday. The thing is that most people assume that is the way it is supposed to be and adopt this as the default behavior.
Are we that hardheaded as men and women that we won’t take the easier path? The energy that we could save working together could be put to better use, uplifting the black community and ensuring a stronger foundation for future generations.
Losing an independent mindset doesn’t mean losing your independence. It means allowing yourself to enter into a mutually beneficial and symbiotic relationship with someone who brings something to the table. This is the point I wanted to make with the article.
i agree with you antuan. the bible says that people perish because of lack of knowledge. there’s no excuse for women not having an understanding of submission due to the “archaic stigma.” when you can read…well i guess not all people can do that or even COMPREHEND WHEN THEY DO READ FOR THAT MATTER, but i digress….
in relationships, there must be compromise on both parts. we as women have adopted this “independent” mindset because we’ve chosen the wrong men and when they screw us over, that’s our Berlin wall. then, we don’t need a man for shit!! LOL! Now, being able to think for yourself is paramount, but that’s not the same as the “independent mindset”….. i have been like that because i dated the wrong types of guys. the last guy with whom I was in a relationship, i didn’t respect him. i tried, but he was an idiot and we didn’t think along the same wavelengths…
like you said, the key is to be in a complimentary relationship where each party offers something that will uplift the other. your article is sounding highly familiar
the Bible says for both husband and wives to submit to one another. I feel that means to consider each other’s feelings and not take a “my way or the highway” attitude. i am loving the “government” metaphor..that was hot. some people won’t understand truly, but the key is to pray and research for yourself and get an understanding instead of just accepting what some cynical man or woman tells you.
now, it doesn’t say girlfriends, submit to your boyfriends, but in order to work towards a marriage, there must be compromise which will make the transmission into mutual submission much smoother.
my ex told me once in an argument, “i’d never be able to wear the pants in this relationship and you’d never submit to me” damn right! first of all, he didn’t have his shit together and he wasn’t submission material. now maybe i’m too educated or experienced for him (not trying to be pompous), but the bottom line is i really did know more than he did… and he couldn’t “piss on my back and tell me if was raining” because I needed some background information before I’d believe anything he said. which is not good that i was always looking at him sideways like “yeah right”
My pastor back in Augusta once put it this way, (my remix) “submitting doesn’t mean being foolish” if my husband tells me to jump off a bridge, i’m not gonna do it- that’s foolishness… which closes out the point that you don’t want to be with a FOOL…
once women AND men understand that they must develop a relationship and submit themselves unto Jesus, get themselves together emotionally, spiritually, financially, etc. and then choose someone who will facilitate positive, exponential growth, then there won’t be any confusion about submission.
First up, thanks for reading and taking the time to put together this awesome response. I formed some of these ideas responding to your blog entries! So thanks for that!
Your situation seems familiar to me because I’ve heard it a dozen times from a dozen females (including my own mother!). An intelligent woman is a force to be reckoned with, but even a smart woman is subject to making stupid relationship choices.
Men and women both have an innate sense of right/wrong. If you feel uncomfortable submitting to your mate, chances are that he/she isn’t the person for you. But when you’ve found that right person, you’ll WANT to submit, because it will be mutual and you’ll be comfortable with it.
I agree with the previous posts. Actually I think submission is a beautiful thing. Not much compares to finding a mate who you are fully comfortable with submitting to. As TRJ stated, girlfriends shouldn’t necessarily submit to their boyfriends or vice versa. I think total submission is something that is reserved for marriage. Of course many forms of submission should be a part of romantic relationships, but I don’t think a person deserves complete submission unless they are married to their partner. I was engaged before and I had some issues with submitting to my partner and the reasoning was exactly what antuan stated, he was not the right person for me. Reflecting back I realize that he expected me to compromise in ways that I was uncomfortable with in order to appease his self gratification and that wasn’t right. You should never pressure your mate to do something that they are uncomfortable with. Personally, when I’m pressured, I am even more hesitant to submit. I think submission is natural and it should automatically occur when the person and the timing is right.
I suppose I should caveat my relationship posts with an “only for serious relationships” statement. Both you an TRJ are correct in your assumption that these things should only apply to people who aim to get in deep and eventually get married.
Ideally, of course, by the time you marry someone, these issues should have already be hammered out… I’m sure we’re on the same page here.
Again, thanks so much for reading and especially for taking the time to participate.
YOU ROCK ANTUAN!! i love reading your articles