brilliantbrown

“I need an around the way girl
Around the way girl
Thats the one for me”
–LL Cool J’s Around The Way Girl

Well kiddies, we’re finally here, the finale of the never-on-time, and often maligned WAATGBMA!. Yep, this ranks somewhere in the trilogy hall of fame between the Lord of the Rings movies and “Deep Throat” Vol. 1,2 and 3 starring Vanessa Del Rio. Anyways, we have plenty to cover so let me jump right in.

Quick Recap:

Click here for Part I: Good Women

Click here Part II: Good Men

We all know that there are a plethora of potential mates out there for each one of us, it’s just a matter of choosing correctly. To get a little deeper, it’s actually a matter of WOMEN choosing correctly. The reason that I say this is because initially in a potential relationship, the woman is in control as far as whether or not the guy gets beyond a casual phone conversation. The guy’s control doesn’t come until AFTER he has established some groundwork with the woman (more on this later). For example, any young and single guy can easily go to the mall, swap meet, church, or wherever and choose whom he would like to attempt to get at, try to have a conversation, exchange numbers, and…….wait. If the female is not really feeling the guy, game over for him with that particular female. On the other hand, most young, single, and attractive females with tangibles usually have about 2-3 dudes trying to get at them at a time. In the initial phase of dating or potential dating, the female is left to choose whom she would like pursue further interests with. Now if her head is on straight, she will use criteria as I suggested in part II of this series and not use logic such as, “he has big feet…mmm hmm, know what THAT means!”. A quick reality check for you women:

Choosing wisely…

NOT choosing wisely…

Which leads to…

Vivid Entertainment Set To Release Kim Kardashian/Ray J Sex Tape!

So, unless you want to end up on the front of a porno dvd cover (just kidding, sorta), make wiser decisions about who you date ladies, it can pay huge divedends (love and family) or you can end up confused and on your rear end.

Now that we know that women are the initial choosers, the question now is “how do the good brothers put themselves in a position to be chosen?” or in laymen’s terms, “Where are all the tight women?!” I’m aware sisters are wondering the same things, thinking that they have a lot to offer a man, but can’t find a decent man to give all that love to (*cough* “bullshit” *cough*), hence the title of the series. There are many misconceptions about the dating scenario amongst black men/women that must be overcome before we can bring good brothers and sisters together in harmonial bliss.

Dating lies that black men tell about “good” black women:

The common image that many black women have to deal with from the black male community is the notion that sisters are always giving their hearts, and subsequently the ass, to no-good, do-nothing niggas. I know some women, as well as any body reading this knows some women, that deal with dudes that seemingly have nothing going for themselves. We EXPECT hoodrats and broke women to cling to dudes that are drug dealers, potential rappers/athletes, and life criminals. What becomes difficult to comprehend is when I meet a woman who is fine, has her college degree, and making a nice living for herself dating the neighborhood “Bruh-Man”.

The funny thing is that these are most of the women that claim that there are no “good” men for them to date. I have my opinion on why some women date recklessly like this, but I won’t make this column any longer than need be, but if the readers are interested, i’ll cover it in another post. The important takeaway is that the collective has to suffer from the actions of a few, so on the surface, some black men make a sweeping generalization about the sisters on this issue. Unfortunately, instead of combating this misconception, many leading black women AND some weak-minded men enforce it. Women make and sing along to songs such as “Hoodboi” and “Soldier” while some guys will have master’s degrees but go the club high off weed, khaki-sagging, with soulja rags on, assuming that’s the image they need to portray to get women to be interested.

The truth of the matter is, good black women don’t chase after these thuggish ruggish bone niggas, that’s the whole essence of being a “good” black woman, not falling for simple-minded shit. When you do run across a woman who seems like she’s all that but she continues to go for more unemployed black men than the child welfare office, she’s not a “good” black woman. There is some major underlying character flaw there that drives her irrational dating tendencies, or she could just be a hoodrat covered in sheep’s clothing, whatever definition works best for you.

Another dating misconception about black women on the dating scene is that they are unapproachable for a typical black guy. Once again, this is another situation where the good suffer with the bad, I’ve noticed, based on my own personal account, is that the most unapproachable black women (aka ball-busters), the ones who look at you like you personally killed JFK when you approach them in a social setting, are usually the mediocre women who have swelled egos and too much exposure to BET music videos.

They think that acting like a “diva” requires them to be stank-faced and rude. News alert to these types of women: BEYONCE probably doesn’t act like that, that’s part of the reason she has a good dude, the reason you don’t have one is because you sit up in a social spot with shades on all night next to your homegirls looking like a considerably less attractive version of Destiny’s Child. Now before the hate comes flowing, your top-notch women and women comfortable in their own skin DO NOT act like this. The vibe you give off speaks directly to what type of dude approaches you ladies. If you have a generally festive, good-natured attitude, the real dudes will latch on to that faster than Wesley Snipes latches onto a white woman. If you giving off negative vibes, the dudes who approach you will come at you trying to “break” you and that stank attitude, now you got trouble on your hands.

Dating lies that black women tell about “good” black men

I could go on forever about this, but i’ll just hit the main ones. The first being that all the good black men are interested first and foremost in white women. I actually mentioned this misconception in a previous post here. It’s not that good black men chase after white women, it’s good/smart men travel the path of least resistance. That bullshit logic about any good relationship is worth fighting for is nonsense. If it takes that much energy just to BE with the person, you can only imagine the amount of sustenance it requires to maintain the relationship healthily. I’m not saying that all relationship issues can be solved with the snap of some fingers, but you shouldn’t have to break up with a person 28 times before you realize that you all aren’t really all that compatible.

The thing is that many good black men feel, at least in their own mind, that white women are easier to get with, and that they have less bullshit to deal with on the surface than black women. This, of course, is not true but the good brothers that do date white women exclusively feel this way. The reason probably has to do with the type of black women they dealt with previously. If you deal with flaky, chickenheaded black women all the time and you turn around and mess with one dedicated white woman, your whole scale is going to be unbalanced. Granted, these men were not involved with the good sisters, but they aren’t going back to look for them, either.

The bottom line is most good black men WANT a good, dedicated black woman to be with to ultimately develop a good, strong black family. We’re out here in plentiful masses, sisters, it’s true.

There are a couple of other lies about good black men on the dating landscape that I won’t cover here, maybe later, so let’s keep it moving.

Now we know that there are good black men out there for the sisters and that both groups have created misconceptions about the other to futher the divide (which we just summarily disspelled), we can all get together now.

Where to look/position yourself

You know what you looking for, but the big roadblock is where to find it. I always hear many guys talk about different weekend activities (club, basketball game, homecoming, etc.) that they attend and talk about the different women that were there and whether or not these women were receptive to their advances. The general consensus is usually that the women at these events were not choosing, instead there were plenty of attention whores flaunting around and rejecting dudes left and right. So if you can’t position yourself in these social settings, where do you go? Luckily, I have compiled a list of different settings where you normally go to meet people along with the positives and negatives of each one, ultimately leading to conclusion on where good black men and women can hook up.

1) Nightclub

Positives: Variety of people, usually naturally festive atmosphere that is more conducive to random social interaction

Negatives: Agenda-driven clubgoers (aka the dude going to the club SPECIFICALLY to find a woman to sleep with that night, and the female who goes just to be seen in something tight and revealing), interaction due to excessive amounts of people bumping you, spilling drinks, yelling at their friends in your ear

Consensus: Is it possible for a good black woman to find a good black man in a nightclub? As wacky as it sounds, I say yes. There is a lot more filtering that the woman has to do and there is plenty of alcohol going around to cloud that judgement, but if you manage to get someone in a not-so-loud section of the club (the bar, perhaps) and vibe, then its entirely possible. The common lie here is that “guys you meet in the club are not guys you want to mess with”, well guess what?, YOU’RE IN THE CLUB TOO! So should you put yourself in the same boat? Good brothers like to go out too, ladies, we’re not all at home Saturday night reading Black Enterprise, well at least not EVERY Saturday night.

Potential-to-meet-mate meter: 4 out of 10

 

2) Mall

Positives: Quieter than a club, easy conversation material (you’re in a mall, talk about the shirt you just bought from the GAP or something), variety

Negatives: Finding a reason to approach someone outside of your normal shopping setting (ever seen a guy try to spit game at a girl in Frederick’s while she has that “what the hell are you doing in here anyways” face?, classic funny)

Consensus: I give the mall one and a half thumbs up, easy to vibe with someone, walk and talk to them without getting bored, also if the conversation is going nowhere, you can quickly jettison to the food court

Potential-to-meet-mate meter: 7 out of 10

 

3) Church

Before I start, don’t give me that cliche, “You’re not at church to meet people” bologna, you’re basically in a setting with other people of similar religous beliefs as yourself glorifying your deity, that’s already one common interest/goal down already! You shouldn’t come there exclusively to mack, but if you and that fine choir member catch eyes a couple of times, you may want to ask them about John 3:16 after service.

Positives: Common interest, variety, good-natured environment, easy conversation

Negatives: Other nosy church members

Consensus: Pretty much good place to get your praise on and your groove as well, however, you don’t want to overload yourself, and become known as the person that has/has tried to get at all the Sunday school teachers, definitely not a good rap to have.

Potential-to-meet-mate meter: 8 out of 10

 

4) Random social settings; art shows/sports events/seminars/symposiums/comedy shows/movie theatre/concerts

I lumped all these into one category because they all have similar positives and negatives and I didn’t feel like making this post any longer, I know it’s like a book by now, but we’re having fun!

Positives: Easiest conversation starters, extended interaction (esp. if you are sitting next to the person)

Negatives: Venue may discourage too much talking, so interaction may be somewhat disjointed, large groups of friends, which may be somewhat discouraging and ineffective if you are not also in a large group.

Consensus: All these types of events involve you watching something for some undetermined period of time, though easy to start a conversation based of whatever the event is centered around, maintaining enough attention to adequately vibe with the person in this setting is a little difficult, the best bet is to talk for awhile, exchange numbers, and continue on with what you are there watching/viewing.

Potential-to-meet-mate meter: 6.5 out of 10

So everybody reading this, go hang out at the mall and at church long enough and you’ll find someone! Just kidding folks, the point here is that some social enviroments are more enticing than others, but you can meet said good girl/good guy in ANY enviroment as long as you are receptive and can adequately deal with the negatives in each realm. Now that we’ve had a little fun with that, time to talk about…

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship (Black Love)

Say you’ve found a good brother/sister, now the question to answer is how do you maintain the relationship? The answer is fairly simple, I believe relationships operate under the idealogy of the chaos theory. Briefly speaking, the chaos theory describes how a complex system is created/affected by a string of random, simple events. So, no matter how complex these talk shows and R&B songs make it seem like maintaining a relationship is like taking a geometry test after a 48-hour drug bender, it’s not that hard.

What’s the simple way to maintain a healthy relationship ? It’s all about GROWING TOGETHER. Sounds easy, right? The problem in many relationships, one party is growing faster emotionally, spiritually, etc. than the other and then problems occur. Of course, no two people are going to be on the same page all the time, but when you’re not, you either compromise and accept, or reject and stunt the other person’s development.

Whenever one’s development is stunted, they lash out and rebel against the person or thing that is stopping them from growing. This is when most long-standing relationships meet a stalemate. In order to maintain the order of the relationship, there is a bit selflessness involved, not only do you have to grow and expand your mind and way of thinking, you have to be accepting of the other person’s needs to do the same as well.

Sometimes, people will grow apart, you just have to be able to deal with that emotionally. When you grow together, both parties will be adding new and refreshing ideas and emotions to the relationship. I’ve seen and been in many relationships with so-called untapped potential. The relationship was fine for awhile, but we continued to do the same things and talk about and experience the same things over and over. At some point, that will get old and it will be time to bring something new to the table or find another table (new partner).

In conclusion, for the guys and girls, it’s all about maintaining and respecting yourself, keeping yourself in order and being open to finding the correct type of partner for yourself. Good black men and good black women are out there for each other, we just have to filter out all the nonsense and misconceptions, be willing to allow each other to grow and be willing to open up and continue to bring new things to the table to sustain a relationship.

 

El Fin.

AJ The Scribe