Many black brothers and sisters have heard the quote in the title of this article countless times. It seems as if their is a shortage of “good” guys for the sisters in the black community. Conversely, the brothers sometimes wonder where all the “good” women are as well. Is it really possible that both parties are asking valid questions? Is there really a shortage of “good” black men and women for dating purposes? And how come the good ones can’t find each other? Well as you may know by now, guess who’s going to help answer these questions….that’s right, your friendly neighborhood brotherman, AJ!
The first thing that I must do is define what “good” means in terms of men and women. Now keep in mind that I have to gear this article towards a general audience, so the definitions will be somewhat loose, I am aware that there are certain idiosyncrasies that an individual person may prefer in his/her mate. However, there are general characteristic traits by which a person uses to determine if another is suitable and mature enough for a relationship. The first part of this series will examine these characteristics for the men.
Characteristics That Men Look For
Since I am a guy, I figured this was the easiest for me to tackle. When brothers look for a good woman, the character traits that most guys seek out are loyalty, respectful attitude, drama-free disposition, and supportive nature. I will briefly explain each one below;
Loyalty
Many black men feel that black women are always trying to hustle them or run game on them and will leave as soon as something new comes along. Sometimes this is a delusion of insecure brothers, but in some cases, brothers have somewhat of a valid point. First and foremost, we as black men must have ourselves together and establish a role of leadership in our communities and relationships. Leadership breeds loyalty and committment If we take a look at the some of the most effective leaders of the the past century, Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, even Hitler, these men garnered a strong sense of loyalty from their followers because of their superb leadership qualities. It is the job of black women to recognize the brothers with strong leadership qualities. Once the connection has been made, the woman, assuming she has her self together, will innately accumulate a sense of loyalty for the man as long as she feels he is leading her in the right direction.
Respectful Attitude
Whenever a sister wants to know what a white girl has over her when black men become choosy, respect is usually the #1 thing that most brothers will cite. There is a section of sisters in the black community that treat black men like children, talking to them all sorts of disrespectful ways, undermining them publicly, and just being sassy for sassiness sake. There are numerous reasons as to why these black women do this, the main one is to due to the belief that some black women have that they must control their relationships with men in their lives so that they may inadvertently control the outcome of the relationship. Some women who grew up in fatherless homes noticed how their mothers took on the role of the overbearing and controlling figure, unfortunately, these women don’t realize that their mothers developed this attitude out of necessity to overcompensate for the lack of a strong male figure. Ladies, when you are in the presence of a brother who has himself in order and is worthy of respect, please show him his due. Brothers, in order to have respect shown, you must be about your business at all times, these women will know when they run across respectful brother.
Drama-Free Disposition
Many brothers such as myself deal with enough drama in our everyday lives, whether it be how to get a step ahead/noticed amongst our predominantly white counterparts in the business world or wondering why the white lady walking towards us clutches her purse a little tighter than usual. When we come home to our families and/or women, we are in search of some peace and tranquility. Unfortunately, some sisters have the total opposite in mind, they want to fuss, argue, and verbally dominate us as soon as the we cross the welcome mat. Sisters, I know you all have many things going on too, but your man should not be a verbal punching bag for you to relentlessy attack. I know as a mate, your man should at least listen to your problems, even if he cannot offer any advice, but truth of the matter is, some sisters have WAY TOO MANY problems! Not only that, instead of trying to correct the situation themselves, these sisters will gripe and complain to their man and get mad at him when he cannot save the day. So ladies, cut out the drama, stop hanging around people that attract drama and negativity, it will totally change your demeanor which in turn will attract the correct type of guys. Fellas, avoid these women with all these problems (multiple baby daddies, fighting other chics in clubs, heavy drinkers, etc.) and you will be on the path to finding the type of woman you want.
Supportive Nature
One of the most important qualities to show a black man is that you have his back. This is a quality that black men look for in friends and in love interests. Basically, being supportive means being able to listen and advise APPROPRIATELY (no “nigga that’s dumb blah blah” ish ladies), and in times of need, be able to hold share burden and responsibility. Sounds simple enough, right? Well how come many brothers feel like they are chasing the proverbial graiolden egg when it comes to this character trait? The answer lites within brothers. Most females have a natural maternal instinct and some guys mistake this as being supportive. Well fellas, its not, some guys take on child-like tendencies and WANT the female to control the relationship. Unfortunately, once the woman is in complete control of the relationship, she will lose respect the man and start treating him like a child. Once that type of situation is established, there’s no turning back guys. The key here for the fellas is to maintain your integrity and maturity level, and if you run across a bossy/sassy female that insists on being domineering rather than supportive, drop her quicker than a video hoe drops that ass.
Upcoming….Part II. The Qualities That Females Look For in a Good Guy
You use big words like “idiosyncrasies” and then end the title of the article with a preposition? where were you in AP english? guess i’m not a good woman for sayin that huh? Not supportive enough I guess.. Man, I love playing devil’s advocate…or am I playing?? LOL Looking fwd to part II because I’m really tired of going off on you for the same issues every week. Guess you’re not a good enough man to respond…or are you??
This article is similar to one you wrote earlier this year. They’re all good qualities to look for in a man or a woman. Where was the mention of love and companionship? (Maybe I overlooked it)
to finally reply to your comments Ms. Jenkins, A) the phrase is purposely structured that way, hence me referring to it as a quote that many people hear, and B) This site is not meant for you to come and nitpick over supposed gramatical errors, if you have nothing to say about the topic, then keep it to yourself and if you can’t find a new website to hate on. That is all.
i am not hating on you or your website; thanks for your response….took you long enough!!! like audra says it is rather similar to some others you have writen and you should try to be more flexible in your writings. However, I’m sure that must be something that is on your mind, and apparently, you’ve run into some pretty “special” people. so, stick to something that you actually can relate to and give true advice on because you can’t speak on something in which you haven’t been successful. You seem pretty cynical about the whole situation. Your arrogance is getting out of hand and if that’s you, do you…but i mean, who died and made you Dr. Phil?
Your approach is really abrasive and all I’m saying is that you should consider revising it. You don’t ever give solutions to how people can foster healthy relationships, you just point out all the issues….so what’s the point? it’s like preaching to the choir..we know everything you’re saying!! How do we create and maintain effective relationships?
There’s no shortage of good men; I’ve found that 98% of the men I’ve met have been very respectful and about their business. Just because someone is a “good person” doesn’t mean they are the best one for you. That’s where we mess up. We think “oh, he/she is doing something with their lives, so this must be it.” But it’s not hard to figure out if someone is a waste of time. Choosing to accept it is where we tend to waste a lot of time.
There are so many facets of relationships in which to uncover…so it would be refreshing to have a POSTIVE outlook on relationships. Talk about love, companionship, and true committment. And use wisdom when you meet people, don’t spend your resources on someone who is not worth the time or money.
How funny is it that you can gauge the success of my relationships?, I have an excellent track record with women and anyone can vouch for that, you’re not even reading the articles it seems, you’re picking through, seeing if i wrote it, then saying some hating ish, and i do propose solutions if you read the entire thing instead of skimming through, also I have written on a wide variety of topics, from the Kramer thing, to 10 black men truths, album reviews, etc.
You don’t come on someone’s site and start all the name calling, as far as I’m concerned, stick to your little low-budget blog on myspace and stop hating, it’s not getting you anywhere and its definitely not affecting anything in my life. If you can read articles then post something constructive or contributing, then do so, if not, like I said step off the high horse.
Sweetie, more people read my “low budget Myspace blogs” than do yours….most of the comments on here are probably from me…so you could say I’m one of your best subscribers…and we can go back and forth all day trying to throw low blows…I sense a tinge of tension in the room….but I’m good…no love lost…I’ve read the other articles you have on here, and I’m referring to the ones about relationships…and they’re about the same thing. It just seems like you have issues with women because you always seem to be ragging on us…The “good” black men need to be empowering other men to step up and handle their business. I do read through the entire thing, and I don’t see any solutions. We all know the ISSUES, how do we get past those and make relationships WORK…in general…not even romantically. It begins there…SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT….or is that it? On my last response, I gave you constructive contributions…but screw all that..I just wanna read part 2…….and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
My isn’t it a bit warm in here? haha. Personally, I don’t see why this article is titled “Where are all the good men at?”. It’s more of a “What men are looking for” type article. When I saw the title, I thought the article would be about characteristics of good men and maybe where some of them can be found. Many of us know what men are looking for and I have plenty of friends who fit that mold. I also exhibit all four of those characteristics. The main issue is finding a man who is worthy of all of those things. How do we go about meeting men who are deserving of all of our good qualities? Really, where are those men?
But Stef, if I say what you just said, I’m “HATING”..ain’t nobody hating, i’m just calling it like I see it, and maybe you said it best….the title is not fitting of the content. I still would like an answer to my question on my “LOW BUDGET MYSPACE BLOG”–LMAO which is as follows:
Dr. Phil aka AJ, please tell us all how to create working relationships in our black community; bump all this where are the good men/women junk. Don’t set yourself up to be the expert….it’s a lot easier to raise the questions than profess to have the answers…ya dig?
I think maybe because the creators/facilitators of this website are men, the articles tend to be a bit biased. Specifically the relationship ones. As I said previously, I feel that many women already know what men want. Now, whether they chose to act accordingly is an entirely different issue. But I do agree that instead of giving sisters tips on how to act, which shouldn’t be necessary if she is a grown woman, not a girl in charm school,we need to discuss how men are going to embrace women and how black relationships can be more enduring. We can go all day about what men want, what women want, etc… If females were the creators of this website, I am sure there would be more articles relating to what men are doing wrong and how they need to step up to the plate, etc… I personally have seen a lot of the same negative characteristics of men and could speak on that. But, all that would do is get men on the defense, which is what articles like these seem to be doing with some women. Everyone is not the same, there are good and bad characterisitics in everyone. No one is perfect. The point is, what each person can accept or not accept from their significant other. Everyone’s tolerance level is also different. Our experiences in life are often what we base our opinions from. Of course AJ has not met every woman in the world, so he likely makes his statements as a basis of what he has seen or experienced which is a natural human reaction. But, it would be refreshing to see articles that are more positive relating to women and relationships. People can only get beat down so much before they start fighting back.
In the immortal words of Riley Freeman, “man, ya’ll niggas is trippin!”
I’m reading the comments and trying to stay out of it, but it seems like the discussion is way off of the subject and way out of hand. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re here to discuss openly so that we all can grow. It is inevitable that we will disagree, but we’re at the point where petty insults are being hurled back and forth.
This is not a forum to pass judgment on relationships that you’re not directly involved in or to insult someone else’s blog. If we disagree, we should stick to the subject and present our views as best as we can. But insulting one another will only hinder progress.
I happen to know for a fact that everyone represented on this page is an intelligent adult. If we’d only put this much effort into solving our problems like intelligent black people…
That’s my question…can no one answer it…how do we create working relationships in our black community? i put this same question on my low budget myspace blog LMAO… i’m kinda feelin’ that name…I might have to rename mine that….once again…answer this…
HOW CAN WE REPAIR RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY??
This article did take a sharp turn to say the least. I don’t feel that I said anything offensive and I hope none of my comments were construed that way. There were some low blows such as “low budget myspace blog”. I’m still lalughing at that one, but I digress…. When individuals know that they are not the type of women that are often given attention in the articles, it can get a bit frustrating. I know TRJ is no chickenhead and she does know how to act when dealing with romantic relationships, so there may be some aggravation when reading an article titled, “Where are all the good men at?” when the contents of the article do not reflect the title. The article is basically addressing the type of women men want and those they need to stay away from. Being women who have the characterisitics that a GOOD MAN would want, we would like to see something for constructive regarding both sides of a relationship instead of talking about the baggage that women have, etc… Men have baggage too, but where do we go from there?
Sorry about the typos. I was laughing at the “low budget myspace blog” comment while typing!
Good morning,
As usual, I’m late to the game with my comments, but I think when solving a “problem” like improving a relationship you have to turn the issue on its side–instead of debating what men/women are doing wrong and working from there, I think it would be more beneficial to focus on what we’re doing right, and how to strengthen those things. Many of arguments about solving the issues in Our Community (in my opinion) always fall under the topic of “We as Black People suck because…”
To improve relationships between men and women, I think it is first necessary to acknowledge that no one is perfect. Black men have some things to work on, and so do Black women–and we’ve all had enough forums, songs, and campus discussions to know what those problems are. What we need to do now is to find out what we’re doing well and to share and improve on those things.
For example, instead of talking about why Black Men and Women fail at relationships, find out why they are still attracted to each other. Find out why relationships last as long as they do, and then focus on sharing those relationship-maintaining behaviors with others. In the long run, you’ll probably discover that many of the qualms we have with each other are very trivial. It may not be fun and heated-discussion material, but it could possibly get us going on the right trail.
That’s what I wanted to hear….thanks for the inspiration.. I’ll probably write something for my “low budget myspace blog” LOL..I can’t get over that one.. thats a good topic… Good job Charles!
Charles comes through with the knowledge! Indeed negativity begets negativity, so the solution is to focus on the positive. We need to drop the grudges that we hold, on both the large and small scale, if we want to move forward.
Additionally, psychologists have shown that positive reinforcement of desired behavior is much more efficient than negative punishment. With the positive, it’s easier for the subject to figure out what you want them to do. So to look at the problem from a logical standpoint, it makes sense this way too.
As i can tell by many of these comments, few, if any of you read the actual intro to the article in which i specifically stated that before I can get to all that positive blah-blah, I have to follow a logical order of 1st definiing what a “good” woman is from a male’s perspective, 2nd, define what a “good” woman is, 3rd, talk about how these two parties can find and maintain a relationship with one another, that’s why it’s a series, but instead of being patient, some folks, like always with my posts, want to jump the gun without knowing where the hell I’m going with the article.
Alot of the positivity is just nonsense if you don’t have basic characteristics that the opposite sex looks for long-term stability. The two ladies that commented here, congratulations!, it’s nice to know you are “good” women, but I want to reach out to those women who may not know what characteristics most guys look for and in the follow-up, to the men that do not know what women want in a man, believe it or not, everybody is not at the same level, and you don’t speak for everyone that may come across/read this blog.
So, remember this is a SERIES, not the be all end all “this is how AJ thinks” article, so women, be patient, and men, stop trying to run and save the day. I know you may lose brownie points with women by criticizing some of their actions, but being solutions-oriented means attacking the weakest links and making them stronger. That all-positive, top-heavy attitude doesn’t get anyone anywhere. It’s good to focus on positive for the most part, but just to ignore the negative because you’re afraid a couple of women will get mad is not the way to go. Same with the women, telling us brothers all the great things that we do is fine, but where’s the room for improvement?, and there’s plenty to go around! That’s not bitter, that’s just real talk.
Anyways, look out for the soon-to-be captivating Part 2, coming later this week or weekend, but before that, I will do a Q & A session addressing all the questions that have arisen in response to my blog postings, it’s about to get even hotter than before!
AJ (1/2 BrilliantBrown)
Once again, your content didn’t even address the title. How were any of us supposed to know exactly where the hell you were going? Usually, people will let you know exactly what the order of events is…or maybe that’s just because I’m used to teaching..but even the preacher at church does it..anyways….You say to tell it like it is, get down to the nitty gritty and apparently, you can’t handle that. Antuan is right about the research and reinforcing positive behavior, but punishment is inevitable. I don’t believe the guys that responded were trying to save the day, they say the things to which you probably haven’t given any thought. Change the title to women if that’s the case….. at this point it’s like looking at a map of China and the title reads “Africa.”
Now now Aaron. I think you went a little too far in your reply. I did know this was a series, hence the “Part I”. My point was what you wrote about did not match the title. The 2nd part is supposed to be about the qualities a woman looks for in a man, as you stated at the end of the article. Okay, that is a preview that actually relates to what you plan to write about, unless you decide to stray from the topic again. “Where are all the good men at?” is the title of an article that would be about where the good men are, maybe address how some women overlook them, etc… at least that is what many people would assume. The article was more of a what men want type of article and you still haven’t addressed how the content matches the title. That was my main concern.
Go back and read the first two paragraphs, I mean really read them, then get back at me…in there it states, “The first part in this SERIES…” and also as it says in the intro, the article title is a play off of a QUOTE and the link between the subject matter I make pretty clear when I say, “Many black brothers and sisters have heard the quote in the title of this article countless times. It seems as if their is a shortage of “good” guys for the sisters in the black community. Conversely, the brothers sometimes wonder where all the “good” women are as well. Is it really possible that both parties are asking valid questions? Is there really a shortage of “good” black men and women for dating purposes? And how come the good ones can’t find each other? Well as you may know by now, guess who’s going to help answer these questions…”
Stef,
I can respect your comments, you may have missed a few linking sentences in the article, but at least you are respectable about it
TRJ,
You however obviously skim through and post negative “you’re wrong, how do you know?” comments that have nothing whatsoever to do with the subject matter. I can take criticism as well as I give, but wasting space talking about grammatical errors and Dr. Phil references make no sense whatsoever. If I’m harsh, so be it, because you get the respect you earn.
Anyways, I’ll continue to post because at least it keeps conversation going, but going back and forth with anyone can be done on AOL IM or myspace, not brilliantbrown.
Good afternoon!
Let me first open by clearing up any confusion. It was not my intention to “save” anyone, I hope that I wasn’t one of the offending parties in said behavior, lol. AJ, we’ve known each other since high school, and you know that I do not hesitate to criticize where needed, especially in this department. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t advocate ignoring the negativity in black relationships. However, I think by stressing the negative more often than the positive set up a bleak future for us. It appears sometimes that many people (not saying you in particular) marginalize the positive things or take them for granted and over-stress the negative.
Relationships are not Coke commercials, yes. I just think that a little more balance would be more productive. For instance, think of how black history is presented to us. We either get the white version: the all positive, MLK-and-Rosa, integration-solved-everything-and-racism-is-dead story, or we get the alternative: Everything was great in Africa, white people messed it up, and we’ve done a couple things but we’re no better off since slavery version. Both miss the point of the tremendous strife and unquenchable spirit of our people.
Similarly, blending the positive with the negative both provides us with a base that we’re doing OK, but we still can do better. I think that the over-stressing of the negative has led to beliefs like :
1. The myth that there are no “good” men/women out there, with no explanation of what “good” is with concrete examples. Further, when people exhibit these “good” qualities, they are marginalized and ignored.
2. Breakdown/Stigmatization of certain gender roles. (You’ve written about this I think).
3. Stupid rap videos (I won’t even go here, but you all know how people consciously and subconsciously attempt to live up to these Softcore porn gloatfests called rap videos).
That being said, I do look forward to what you have to say in the next few parts of the series. And I will do my best to try to direct traffic over to your site from mine. Oh, and you guys should consider placing blog-links to Facebook as well, then people can click through and see the things you guys are doing over here.
Who said you were harsh? I’m the last person that would call someone harsh. I’m not afraid to say whatever’s on my mind because the bottom line is that you write some off the wall crap and this was off the wall. It appears that you’ve been through some rough spots and all I think everyone was doing is trying to get you to understand that everything doesn’t have to be so negative in regards to relationships. Yes it’s fine to point out the bad spots from time to time, but life isn’t about that. It took me a long time to realize that I had to change my outlook on life before my life would change. Ultimately, all I’m saying is that we you’ve said all that before. What can we do to change it? And I’ve asked that question a couple of times, and you still haven’t answered it. What good is it to complain if you can’t come up with solutions? You can keep saying stupid stuff to me to try and make me angry, but I’m not…you’re hilarious, I didn’t know you were a comedian too!! Maybe you should get a myspace page, because you seem to keep referencing it…it’s pretty cool…and it’s LOW BUDGET!! LMAO
Hello everyone,
When I stumbled onto this site, the replies to the article seemed so damned personal that I had to read the article very carefully trying to see what the big deal was. Ok, some of the things that AJ (Aaron Jackson)said were a tad bit blatant, but everyone knows that that’s just his way. I do not agree that there is any particular formula to finding a good mate, but I do think that what was not quite explained in the article is that each relationship is unique and requires compromise and room for constant improvement. My only complaint about the article was the comment about dramatic black women. I just do not see this as soley a Black woman’s issue, it just seems to me that if a person met and chose someone whose personality is on the dramatic side, then they should deal with it; I mean most people have issues from external situations, it is up to those two people to decide to deal with their personal isssues in a way where they can both retain their identity without having to exude artificial virtues that they did not come into the relationship with. Anyway, that’s my opinion. My life’s not perfect, I have made some erroneous judgements in my past relationships, but right now I am as seriously close to bliss as I have ever encountered; and in the nearly five years that we have been together, we have both loved, grown, fought, compromised, but what has been most consistent is our desire for each other. As corny as this sounds, he makes me laugh out loud and I am a better person for having known him…
Hey Aaron (and the rest of the Brilliant Brown readers).
It’s been quite a while since my last comment, and judging from the hilarity of the previous comments, I thought I could add some new thoughts to the mix.
Loyalty, respectful attitude, drama-free disposition, supportive nature…sounds good to me. That’s what I’m looking for…I’m not so sure anymore that’s what “good men” are seeking.
Some men I’ve come across expect a good woman to cook dinner for them on a daily basis. Some men expected good women to dress more conservatively, or wear their hair in a certain way once we were together. Still others want to make demands on a woman’s time, determining with whom she can spend certain chunks of time.
In the past couple months, some of the “good men” that I’ve been involved with displayed the desirable characteristics that you described, but balked at the idea of a non-sexual relationship.
Needless to say, all of these things have left me wondering-what are the “good men” really looking for?
Well “Where are all the good MEN at?” I want to say that they are out there SOMEWHERE but for the record I haven’t found one but they do exist. People we have to live our lives right to find the right man to bring in our life. but I honestly hate to here people say that they can’t find a man; yes you can find a man any where it’s just that it might not be what they want. Again it all goes back to yourlife style if you are living the wild street hard life then usually you find a street dude. Say you are living fight and put God first then have the faith and he will send the man for you. But I am not going to dwell on this cause I can go real deep.