brilliantbrown

Hello all, time for another relationship discussion courtesy of your favorite website. Today, I will be speaking on the topic of staying in bad relationships. Why am I writing about this you ask? I have my own reasoning, but the person who I am directing this to knows my motivation. Anyways, as always, our posts are up for discussion and feel free to comment as necessary.

Let me start off by stating that this post is mainly directed towards the young (and sometimes old) ladies out there. From my own personal experience as well as talking to others, it seems as if females have a bigger problem with staying in these deadbeat relationships than guys do. Why? The answers are pretty simple; the natural maternal instinct of these women, laziness, and plain stupidity. Now before all you women get all up in arms, I’m not calling you stupid in the general perspective, but in relationships many of you all fall for the okey-doke from guys that you deal with. Below I will explain each answer as to why females will not improve their relationships with men.

1) Natural maternal instinct

Some women deal with guys that they date on a mother-child level. This means that the female is dominating the day-to day aspects of the relationship and psychologically, this female will place this guy in role of a child, feeling as if she needs to “take care of” and help motivate a grown ass man. Unfortunately, what these females fail to realize is that you cannot force change in someone.

No matter how much you money, pussy, or love you give this loser, unless he is willing to change himself, you will end up with an unsatisfactory relationship at the end of the day. Many women fall for the temporary change that guys pull when forced into a corner. In some instances a female feels like if she forces a guy to choose between the relationship and his loser ways, he will see the value of her and choose accordingly. The funny thing is that these guys will do what they need to do to keep the female happy TEMPORARILY by telling her what she wants to hear or giving her gifts to prove that he is a different person now.

The thing that women don’t realize is that losers are ALWAYS about temporary satisfaction, that’s how they keep y’all asses around. This guy will do good, then do some dumb shit, and in order to make ammends, he will give the woman temporary satisfaction to keep her strung along. Many bullshit relationships are built on this dynamic, and unfortunately, the women are either too stupid or too lazy to realize that they are caught in this viscous cycle, which brings me to my next point…

2) Laziness

I understand that people get into a comfort zone, as of matter of fact, that’s one of the idiosyncrasies of being in a relationship, to build trust and a level of comfortability with a person. Unfortunately, too many women choose their comfort zone with dudes ill-prepared or not emotionally mature enough to be in a committed relationship.

We see this when a woman has been cheated on and chooses to maintain the relationship with the dude. Many of these women will try to justify their illogical choice by using moral smokescreen reasoning such as, “You’re supposed to stay to work through the bad times”. These women are conditioned to believe that if they take a moral high road, then the Lord will automatically make the situation better and will turnaround a bad relationship.

Sorry ladies, the Lord lets you make your own choices and there are no “get out of jail free” cards just because you “pray on it”. If you want to take the religous perspective, the Lord will teach you life lessons by allowing you to make mistakes and LEARN from them. You don’t learn from mistakes by doing the same things over and over again.

At the end of the day, it’s ok to let a situation go, especially if it has caused you psychological and emotional damage, because get this, after you finally get your ass in gear (and at some point you will), and move on, it will be too late, the loser that you have dealt with will have caused you so much financial, emotional (and unfortunately sometimes physical) baggage that no one will want to deal with you seriously anymore, ask alot of these single, older women, they’ll tell you what I’m talking about.

3) Stupidity

Many times women, and especially black women, are in bad relationships based on specifically choosing losers. As Tariq Nasheed put it, there could be a room full of doctors, engineers, lawyers, etc. and the first loser to walk into the room, these black women will fight each other over who will give this nigga the ass first.

The reason why these women choose this loser is mainly due to their own insecurities and limited perspective of the definition of manhood. Speaking from a personal viewpoint, some women believe that if success came to easy to a guy, then he will not know how to deal with hard situations. Not only is that total bullshit, but women will go the complete opposite way and choose a dude that ALWAYS deals with adversity and struggle.

The problem here is that struggle does not follow this guy, HE is the common denominator in all the fucked up situations he’s been in. Some women do not realize this until their sitting up late crying and wondering why she found another woman’s underwear in her bedroom.

Also, these women like to dwell in the dream world and believe just because they’ve been with a guy for awhile, then that means that they should stick it out no matter what the guy has done. These are the type of women who enjoy misery, no matter how much they say they want to change, for my fellas, whenever you meet these women, AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS, they will string you along with promises of changing their situation and seeing the light, but in actuality, all they want is some positive male attention, something that she is not getting in her bullshit relationship. The sad thing here is, when her dude sees that she could be doing better, he does just enough to make her think he is going to act right, and the good dude is left wondering what happened. Another situation of too much effort and not enough payoff.

Lastly, just like dudes should strike women out based on negative attributes, women should do the same. For example ladies, when you meet a guy and he meets the following criteria: 1) No job/ with no discernable plan to attain finances on his own 2) Kids by more than one woman, none of whom he was married to 3) Plans for success hinge on making it in the rapping game or making some professional sports roster 4) Drug dealer 5) Ever having been to jail for a crime that involved running away from the police 6) Receiving a financial allowance from someone his own age, all these situations (plus many others I have not listed) are strikes against getting involved in a sustainable relationship with this young man. Typically, you allow three strikes and he’s out, much like baseball, but sometimes one is enough, keep this in mind ladies.

The Solution

Now ladies, to avoid getting into and dwelling in the relationship quagmire, the key is to choose a guy based more critical standards than, 1) he’s cute 2) I know other women that want him. Not only choose someone that attracts you physically, but someone who stimulates your mind in a positive manner.

Also, no matter how many chic flicks you watch, a good relationship is not built around constant arguing, fighting, and having to check phones and emails for signs of infidelity. That attitude didn’t get your mama anywhere, didn’t get your sister, grandma, or aunt anywhere with the losers in their life, and it won’t get you anywhere either.

Additionally, don’t be afraid to reevaluate who your soulmate is, many women get caught up in the glamorous lie that there is only one person meant for them and when they supposedly find this person, they should stick it out, no matter what bad stuff happens in the course of the relationship. What these women don’t understand is that different people are meant for you at different stages of your life.

That guy with whom you are dealing with so much drama was good for you at one point in time, but now you have outgrown him and you need someone that will teach you new lessons in life. The growth period for that relationship has reached its threshold and you must realize that and move on.

For example, when you are six years old, your kindergarten teacher is the person you need to teach what you need to know at that particular time, however when you’re 24, the lessons to be learned in kindergarten is no longer sufficient and you need a college professor to teach you the adequate lessons that you need in that stage in your life.

At the end of the day, it’s all about taking the intelligence and critical decision that you display in other aspects of your life and apply them to relationship choices, and choose someone who will WILLINGLY and CONTINUALLY grow with you, I promise that you will be more fulfilled and happier in the long run.

AJ